The Importance of Building Resilience in Children
Resilience is the characteristic that allows us to try again when we’ve hit a snag or problem. It’s also an emotional reserve that helps us to overcome trauma or disappointment without suffering long-term psychological damage.
How does resilience develop?
Virtually all children will develop this, to some extent, automatically as they grow up.
For example, the proto-toddler who keeps falling over when trying to stand will learn that it’s a possibly painful experience. However, the vast majority of children won’t simply give up. Their desire to be mobile and to control their surroundings will mean they develop resilience to minor spills and frustrations.
In other words, they’ll carry on.
This broad desire to control our environment and to survive helps develop resilience at all stages in our lives and well into adulthood.
Why children might need help
Despite this process being largely automatic, it’s important to remember that children are not all the same. Some may need a little more help in this area than others.
For example, some children seem to have far less self-confidence than others. The reasons for this are far from clear and may be due to numerous genetic and social environmental factors. Whatever the cause, they might be inclined to ‘give up trying’ far too easily or in some extreme cases, not try at all.
Another illustration is those children who seem to dread drawing attention to themselves. If they feel that regular failure will do so, again they might simply give up trying altogether.
Top tips to help develop resilience in children
Here are some ideas that might help you to encourage resilience in your children:
- encourage them to try – assuming they have at least some chances of success;
- explain to them that failure is OK if one has tried hard and more importantly, it doesn’t mean one can’t try again;
- tell them that everybody fails at times and that failure can be useful because it’s one of the ways we learn;
- never mock a child for failure;
- although there may be some exceptions, try not to criticise your child if they have tried to do something and failed;
- don’t force your children to try something they’re clearly unhappy with. Failure then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, be patient and try again another time;
- when something goes wrong, explain the circumstances and help them to rationalise their own sentiments. Don’t try to convince them that being upset or frustrated are somehow ‘bad’ but are instead feelings that must be controlled and used to help us to try again;
- praise their resilience when you see it demonstrated.
When professional help might be required
Although very rare, you may need professional advice if:
- your child takes failure exceptionally badly, with tantrums, self-recrimination or disproportionate sorrow;
- they are very reluctant to try anything different because they’re sure they’ll fail;
- if they fail once, they consistently refuse to try whatever it was again;
- they seem overly sensitive to the normal squabbling and criticism that can be part of normal play with other children (e.g., running and crying constantly).
