Does your Child Steal or Simply Borrow?
Some parents become concerned when they see their younger children ‘stealing’ things. It can be a shock to discover but it is usually nothing to be too worried about.
Age ranges
The age may vary considerably between children but usually by the age of 5-6, most children will have developed an awareness of the concept of personal property and possession. In other words, they should have a grasp of what is theirs, what belongs to somebody else and those things that are collectively owned – the latter typically meaning shared family items around the house or daycare centre toys etc.
Earlier than 5-6 years, that understanding is far from perfect and they may get confused easily, notably around the differences between borrowing and stealing. For example, a child may struggle to understand why an auntie reaches into a spare change dish in the hall to give them money for sweeties but it’s bad to take that money themself when passing by.
However, once around 5 or 6 years old, a child should be capable of distinguishing, for the most part, between when it’s permissible to take something and when it isn’t.
Meanings
Babies will instinctively start to reach for things that are interesting to them and ‘take them’ by 3-5 months. Shortly afterwards they’ll be at the stage of letting people know, very loudly, if someone tries to take away something they have and are interested in!
These very earliest developmental stages are probably where our instincts to take and acquire things come from. Yet quite correctly, nobody would seriously accuse a 6-month-old baby of stealing things.
As they grow, children don’t switch overnight from an instinct to try and take what they want to one of respect for other people’s property. That transition takes time and parents need to work hard at communicating that understanding to younger children.
Very large numbers of children under say 6-7 will make mistakes and need some form of help to understand where they’ve gone wrong.
Tips for the under-6s
If you find your young child has taken something they shouldn’t have, try:
- very gently explaining to them that the item belongs to someone else and should not have been taken without permission. Remember that a child at this age may still be struggling to understand all the subtle differences between
- borrowing with permission and taking something without it;
- ask them how they would feel if someone took one of their precious things, like a favourite toy;
- be sure to calmly and gently indicate that it is a bad thing and show your sadness that they have done this;
- ensure that they give the item back personally, where feasible, and ask them to say sorry to the person or institution affected;
- keep things light and don’t overreact. Avoid threatening retribution, getting angry or saying if they keep doing it they’ll be in trouble with the police etc. Don’t make a show of removing such items and locking them away out of their reach (unless the items are dangerous). That would only tell them that you don’t trust their promise not to do it again.
At these ages, minor theft is usually trivial and often attributable to simple confusion coupled with learning. It’s rarely cause for concern in the longer term.
Younger school-age children
By the time children are in early primary school and around 6-7 years of age, the scope for attributing theft as a childish misunderstanding tends to reduce. It’s sometimes painful to acknowledge for parents but by 7+ years of age, when a child has taken something then it probably is conscious theft and not a lack of awareness.
In these years, it probably will be advisable for you to have a more serious discussion with your child, stressing that this is a very bad thing and that they could be in trouble if such behaviours continue. Depending upon your own beliefs and family values, some sanctions might also be advisable to help them to understand the consequences of theft.
Ensure again that they understand your disappointment and sadness at their behaviour.
Motives
For many children, theft even when intentional isn’t necessarily about acquisition and gain. It can be triggered as:
- retaliation for a perceived wrong they’ve suffered;
- a spill-over from a fight or major disagreement with another child;
- an attempt to get someone else into trouble.
In children over 6-7, trying to get to the bottom of their motivation would be very helpful in helping you to frame your appropriate response.
Repetitious cases
In some very rare cases, children may be suffering from conditions that mean they’re stealing regularly.
There are several such conditions, with the best known being “kleptomania”. Sufferers may feel compelled to steal and get a euphoric sense of satisfaction when they do so, though this is often followed by severe feelings of guilt and shame.
Although this condition can affect children, it’s mostly found in the 18-35 age range.
You may need to speak with your doctor if your child is:
- over 5-6 years of age;
- is known to be stealing things relatively frequently and in multiple environments;
- is not responding to your coaching and efforts to help.
Sometimes stealing compulsions pass spontaneously as the child ages but counselling which can be very helpful may also be required.
